The End of the Beginning

In Ponder, Real Life No Gimmicks on June 3, 2010 at 17:06

To be so personable, I’m quite impersonal when it comes to the discussion of my relationships. And for that reason, I found myself holding back with the mentioning of it. Notice I pluralized relationships, but made, it, singular. Kind of like when you’re in denial about something terrible or tragic that occurs in your life and you use the not mentioning of it as a coping mechanism. When really that doesn’t help you cope at all, it merely prolongs your healing process. So is this a cry for healing…. Maybe. Maybe not. But. I will discuss it. As best I can.

My most recent ex, of 2 years, and I came to the agreement that we should terminate all contact between the two of us. Our lease ends on the 5th and I have already moved all of my things out, so there leaves no reason to linger on to these deep inseparable feelings of the dead relationship that ended 8 months ago. That’s normal right? I don’t know. I’ve never really been normal. And I’ve always questioned who sets the standard for what’s normal or not. I’m digressing…

We’ve done this before, cutting contacting, and we always end up right back where we were, right before we cut contact the initial time. It’s been a repetitive cycle of the same outcome every time. I’m holding on to her for the comfort of her love and familiarity and she’s holding on to me for the friendship and love that she’s missing in her current relationship; meanwhile, we’re holding on to each other because it’s the best we’ve ever known.

We agreed this time that no matter what calls us to contact the other, whether it be a drunken night, a low point, or just to say hello, we won’t do it. I don’t know how serious she is. But there is no experience like the experience itself. And every time I’ve folded and reconnected with her, only to end up disconnecting, it broke my heart, all over again, just like the first time. And I know I don’t want that.

The easiest thing to do (fall back into the comfort zone) leaves the harshest mark (continuous heart-break). I realize it’s no one’s fault, but my own. Therefore, I plan to hold steadfast to my word, even if it kills me, regardless if she needs me. They say there are no rules in love, well I think it’s about time that some be created. That’s my next move. Wish me well.

The ultimate goal at hand is to continue to proceed with life, in a positive direction. Not speaking from expertise, merely speaking from experience. Onward and Upward. Come with me!

  1. This was a powerful post! Your words really spoke to me. All of them. As you know, I’m here for support.

  2. I’m late, but I had to comment.

    I can definitely relate to some of what both you and your ex are experiencing. Storm and I severed all lines of communication several times, only to find ourselves reconnecting once again. There was always an explanation or excuse as to why, but I’ve learned that none of those reasons are good enough.

    At the end of the day, all you have done is reopened a chapter to a book you have read time and time again. The ending doesn’t change and the effects are still the same. I also find that once one (or both of you) have moved on, it is definitely important to stick to your word and continue moving forward. You cannot fully give yourself to someone, when part of you is still with someone else.

    When you have established a truly comfortable relationship with someone, it is incredibly difficult to walk away – Especially in what seems to be your weakest of moments. What is important to remember is that you can find that same comfort in someone else, it will just take time. Be true to your word and stay strong. With time, all wounds heal.

    Excellent post!

    Good Luck & Best Wishes.

  3. I find your way of expressing your feelings to be quite endearing and honest, I’ve recently come out of a similar situation with my ex. We were together for 4 years and lived together for a while, separated then back together again.. That unending cycle you speak of described us perfectly. I became involved with someone else & She is currently in a new relationship & has
    moved a few hours away in order to legitimize
    the split. However, she still contacts me from
    time to time & when I visit her area she makes
    sure that she sees me. What’s worse, she remains in contact with my family, namely my grandmother! I loved her very much and I always will, but after me making a few drunken threats to her new gf’s life & sending nasty e-mails, my ex decided that we should terminate any future contact & “stay out of each other’s way”…. Hearing that was devastating to me, because I realized that I had lost a true friend & that I may never be able to duplicate that bond & those feelings. The person I’m with now is so unaffectionate and almost passionless about anything but music.. It’s weird not being the center of attention and loved on constantly. I miss my ex but I know that we could never truly be together again. We became too familiar with each other if you know what I mean. And it’s said that familiarity breeds contempt.

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