Orangee

Heart Felt…

In Real Life No Gimmicks on February 23, 2010 at 02:24

#Playing: Rihanna. The Last Song. Sade. Be That Easy.

I’m experiencing a less than high moment. Rare. But it happens. I guess it comes with the territory of being human. Whatever that means. I call it less than high, because it’s not low. I’ve felt low before, this ain‘t what it feels like. Lost my appetite for life. My drive was missing. And my passions became dull. [She] did that to me. I’ll never forget that day, followed by those months. I assured myself, that road, that dark and lonely, blood sucking road, I’d never travel it again. Though, I’m lost right now and I don’t know where I am, I know where I’m not.

I often get mistaken for Super Human. People come to me for advice, kind words, loving thoughts, sweet gestures and my truth… they absolutely adore. I. Am. My. Brother’s Keeper. But is my brother my keeper? Broken thought. This is what happens when I experience less than high moments. I can’t keep track of my thoughts. I can’t adequately and accurately express myself. It’s like mumbo jumbo gibberish. But I won’t give up… I’m going to try my absolute and very best to express this very crucial moment of my resilient life.

Today. I realized that I’m beginning to become consumed in the lives of my immediate family members. When they need something, they come to me. For any and everything. I’ll get a phone call or a visit for something as small as “let me hold a couple of hundreds” to something as major as “I have cancer, I need your support in my decision to not accept chemo treatments.” How do I react? Not irrationally. I support. Because I love. Whatever. Whenever. However. I will come through. No questions asked. Until now at least…

What about me?

About 7 months ago, my brother made it blatantly clear that he doesn’t approve of my homosexuality. We talked about it, never came to a conclusion, just kinda left it hanging, in mid-air. But at the time I lived in a completely different city, so it didn’t matter. He rarely saw me and the shit that he didn’t approve of was out of sight, therefore, out of mind. But now… Now that I have moved back, things are kinda weird. Not sure if he feels it, but I do. Ever walked on nails with no socks or shoes on? It’s quite painful. I’m a grown ass woman. And he’s my LITTLE brother. Why should I have to walk on anything less than desirable?

Honestly…

What makes me most nervous is that the topic will come up again and he’ll tell me that he doesn’t want his daughter, my first and only niece [whom I love more than life itself], around it. It, being “that shit” as he calls it, but better known as homosexual activity, also known as me, and then I won’t get to see her again. Huge reservation. I think I’d rather suffer being “closeted” [by not speaking of it] my whole life than to experience that. She’s only been born 6 weeks and I don’t like to go a day without seeing her or hearing about how she’s doing and what new thing she‘s done. That would totally collapse my world. But I also don’t like to live in the “what if” phases of life.

My mother. I think knows, but lives in her own denial and I don’t bother her there. I leave her be. But there’s a distance between us, I can feel it. It’s been there forever and I can feel her yearning for growth and development in our relationship, but I hold back, firmly. And instead of growing closer, I actually feel us growing further apart. I know that she wants nothing more than us to be close and do cool things like go shopping and out for coffee [though she doesn’t drink it]. But I don’t feel comfortable. Truth is, I don’t like to be left alone with her and when I am, I always bring up some “off the wall” topic for us to discuss to keep the attention off of me. Whenever she asks to go out to lunch or dinner, I always tell her, let me call my brother and see what he’s doing, so we can all go together. He’s a character and the things that he says and does are so outer space that he could take the attention off a dead man. I’ve just come to the realization of all of this as I type. We never really notice our actions until we review them. Why do I do these things?

My fear…

Is that my mother will get sicker. I don’t want to lose her, literally. I’d rather be uncomfortable and have her continue to think that my girlfriends are my friends before I’m the reason for my mother’s cancer to worsen. I’d never be able to live with myself.

Speaking of girlfriend’s from the past…

I miss her. But I don’t need her. I say it so much that I feel like I’m the one I’m trying to convince.

All of this is crazy… Believe it or not Self expression is the hardest thing, I’ve ever had to learn. Every since I figured out that keeping it in hurts far more than releasing it, it’s been all shade.

So. I spill my heart out, here. Because you, my blog, won’t judge me. And you… who are reading this right now. Even if you do judge me, it doesn’t matter. Because I’ll never meet your acquaintance and you don’t even know me to say the least. Even more importantly, I don’t care what you think. But my family, on the other hand. I guess I do care. But it’s like… what to do? *shrug*

It’s tough. It’s so much. This life is complex. I wouldn’t wish such harsh struggle on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

But I will say this. These moments are essential. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t appreciate all of the stellar high moments. I’ll get through this. As I have, every other time.

Onward and Upward is the only direction acceptable to me. I’m on my way…

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  1. “Though, I’m lost right now and I don’t know where I am, I know where I’m not.” Wow, your words are so powerful. This was indeed very heartfelt. What a selfless act to give yourself to others so freely and not because you’re expecting anything in return. I admire and appreciate that. I strive to be more like that every day.

    “What about me?” It’s imperative that we ask ourselves this from time to time so that we don’t lose ourselves in others. It struck me when you said you weren’t sure if you’d be coming out to your mother simply so that YOU feel better. You said that you thought that was selfish. I’m sorry to hear about your mother’s health and I understand that you wouldn’t want to worsen her condition. Only you can make that decision. But I have to disagree with you about it being selfish. Like I said to you before, inner peace is something we all owe ourselves. If you have that inner peace by resting assure that you won’t worsen her health condition, then I say do that. Everyone’s coming out journey is so unique that you have to assess and use your own judgement.

    Regarding your ex, I’ve learned to live my life in a way so that I don’t need anyone but myself (not saying you don’t do this). People will disappoint and hurt you all the time but you live, learn and grow…and you do all this over time. It’s a journey, not a destination.

  2. This was such a touching reflective moment or moments and I thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly, and honest. I once felt like you, behaved like you, so strong is my love for my family and my devotion to my mom that I was and still am in many respects, the go to “guy”. I am everyone’s therapist, and most importantly, I am the peacemaker and I enjoy my role, but at times I have to withdraw or else I loose myself.

    That’s something I completely agree with BWABW about, needing your own inner peace is not selfish, it’s imperative, but a mothers love and life is precious and I understand your dilemna. I do hope things get better with your mom, and that your brother does not use his daughter as a pawn to control your life, your love.

    Until reading your post I didn’t give one thought to the fact that my brothers, whom I never officially came out to, never questioned my sexuality once they became aware of it. It makes me love them so much in this moment. You have also inspired a blog post, and I am thankfully to you for that inspiration.

    Your journey is yours alone. Remember, we only get one life.

    Peace & Love

  3. Between Ms. BWABW and Mr. Knowledge, I believe it’s all been said. But I myself must also commend you on your openness and honesty. Whether you face your readers or not, it takes a great deal to reflect on your own personal journey.

    As far as your brother is concerned, I can only hope for you that as your niece continues to grow, he learns to accept you (as you are) into her life. If not, I can only further hope for you that when she is old enough to make decisions of her own, she chooses to keep you near.

    If I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned this much: I will never be able to please everyone.

    If your sexuality were not an issue, there would be something else for people to find fault in. It’s best to live and love for self.

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